guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
