my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
