Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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