There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
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Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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