i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
