$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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