So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
