Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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