Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
