If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
