sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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