he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
