Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
