ugly people sure do ruin things
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
