We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
