I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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