And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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