just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
