dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I want to fling myself into the sun
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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