I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
