I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
