it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
