bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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