His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
