I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
