Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
