how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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