when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
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I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
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I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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