So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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