Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
