your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
