just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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