Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
