i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
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Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.