it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
