FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
