My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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