Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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