i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
