I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
