I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
