I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
