I should be sponsored by Trojan
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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