we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize