i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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