you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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