I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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