jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
