He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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