Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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