can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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