Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
