Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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