John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
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He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
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Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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