is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
