3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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