The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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