my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
