Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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