I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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